I stood there. He stood there.
We were inches apart, but the feeling was far. Neither of us saying a word and
at this point it seemed like we’d never be able to recover from what had just
been said.
“Noah, I’m going to tell you
something,” I said my voice about to choke on the tension in the air. I would
not look him in the eyes and I detached myself from the situation. There could
be no connection or else this recollection would be disastrous.
He did not reply, he merely
waited for me to speak. I was not talking for at least five minutes, because I
was staring at the ground trying to see if it would tell me the perfect words.
As if getting lost in the simplicity of the asphalt would make every word come
out simple and straightforward.
But I am not a straightforward
girl and Noah is not a stupid boy. Noah understands what I’m doing even if he
doesn’t like it.
“When I finish, don’t reply to
anything I’ve just said unless you really must,” I said and I didn’t have to
look up to know he was nodding his head.
“Don’t worry, it isn’t bad,” I
said. Those were the last words I remembered saying before everything was a
blur and the words were coming out of my mouth fluidly as if they knew how to
arrange themselves without my help. The words took over and my mind was no
longer there. It was somewhere distant with the memories I am about to share.
******************
Last night, Noah told me the
most amazing thing. Whether I found it good or bad was what I could not
process. Last night it sounded so good, but it felt so bad. In contrast, this
morning it was horrible, but it felt great. Why did those words have to stick
in my head?! From night to my waking, I had to endure them. They’re driving me
insane.
Of course, that’s not the worst
part of it. Now, my mind is literally overflowing with every tiny detail, every
change in voice intonation, every single word uttered from Noah’s mouth, and
every cute laugh he would give out. Somehow none of it processed though. It
just made my mind a landfill and the trash was the words I was taking in.
Absolute trash. Absolute trash those words were. They meant nothing. They’ll
never mean a thing. At least, that’s what my mind tells me. The heart is a
scary thing. Always trying to dictate what it wants over what the mind wants;
in this case, my heart was a canvas and the words were the picture. Art, so beautiful,
meaningful to me, and sacred. They were all I ever wanted and needed, but still
something did not feel right. How do I choose between intuition and logic when
they’re both so different?
My mind and heart had just been
in a race and now they were at it again. Would the madness ever stop?
No. The madness does not stop.
It starts outside. To be specific, at 10:10 a.m. On a bright and sunny day.
Physical education. Symbolism? Pain.
As if my body didn’t feel dirty
enough from the words that Noah had said, I laid down on the ground feeling
grime stain my hands.
Suddenly, it began to rain and
all the dirtiness I had felt before seemed to wash away. Sadly, you can’t wash
away what the mind and the heart want and that was Noah. Noah was what I wanted
at that moment. All of him, not just part of him. I’m hypocritical in that
sense. I know that when I’m with him I try my best to give him all of me, but I
only give him the surface.
How was the rain you ask? It
was scattered. A natural representation of my thoughts, but Noah will never
see.
The clouds were even more
magnificent than the rain that was falling on my body still trying to wash the
sin away. The clouds seemed to cover me from the truth while the rain was
washing me off, but both could not fulfill their task completely. My mind and
heart were out of control. But I still looked up as I laid down and tried to
let the rain and clouds fix what they could.
How did the clouds move you
ask? They moved as fast as my mind. They crashed one after the other into each
other like the million thoughts trying to be processed in my brain. Somehow the
sky had the same overload as me, because the sky turned completely gray.
The mind is a funny tool. One
moment it’s gone and then it’s back. Like the sky that was gray unexpectedly
became blue. My mind was clear for a second.
The clarity I felt that made me
want Noah more was all a lie I had formulated because of the events in the sky.
I felt at peace because the weather looked like it was at peace, but like any
person, the weather is a liar. It lies constantly, constantly, but you want to
believe in something that isn’t the truth. Lying to yourself? Insanity!
Noah, am I even thinking of
you?
YES OF COURSE I’M THINKING OF
YOU!!! OH, HOW I WANT YOU WITH ME?! I NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN YOUR WORDS TO ME,
BECAUSE MY MIND DOESN’T SEEM TO BE WORKING!
Physical education forced me to
run and even though I was with my class I felt completely alone out here in
this somewhat gloomy yet simple atmosphere. I ran and I ran and I kept running,
but from what? We were all running for something, but me, I didn’t know my
purpose anymore. I didn’t have a purpose anymore. I could no longer see it
clearly.
Like that, a gust of a wind and
a rush of rain, stronger and heavier than before, came back to startle my mind
and soul. This time, however, the rain was not scattered. It was perfectly in
place covering every aspect of space. The ground, the trees, the cars,
everything! The rain covered every inch and every centimeter.
It even covered me. Somehow, I
felt as if the rain hated me. It hated me so much, but it felt so loving. It
hit my body various times making me cold all over. The drenching feeling felt
so good, it was simply refreshing. I hadn’t felt this way in such a long time.
It was such a sudden change. It was the best sudden change I could ask for;
nothing and everything could ruin this day.
Yes, the goodness of the rain,
the liberty, the freedom. Sadly, everything has a bad side to it and for the
rain that was the blinding aspect of it.
Like anything we find pretty,
there’s always something behind the looks, the façade. The rain has a façade?
The worst of them all! It can hurt you emotionally and physically when you
least expect it, just as it’s done to me. It hit my eyes continuously,
momentarily blurring my sight. A sea of tears streamed down my face, a million
emotions being conveyed. Joy, sadness, pain, all three? It was so confusing and
that’s why I felt like the emotion I had was nothing.
The nothingness of my
disposition seemed to make me feel confined, but mixed with the freedom of the
rain on my body, everything seemed alright. Yes, everything was alright! For at
that moment, I felt free. I felt as free as a bird. Yet somehow, I also felt
confined by the rain as it was dragging me down.
The rain wanted me to escape,
but I couldn’t.
Noah wants all of me, but could
I?
Running? What good was it for?
Clearing out the mind or making me feel even worse? How did it do both at the
same time? Was it a rush of rain that we all felt? Did Noah feel it, too? Had I
even felt it? No. I’d felt greatness.
Absolute greatness.
Back at school and with my
entire class, I stood underneath the protection of the building rather than
heading to the blacktop.
Rebellion? No. Just safety.
Safety? Yes. Just in the form
of rebellion.
Noah will never see it. He’ll
never experience it the way I did. It was just so beautiful looking at the
emptiness of the area we would have filled. The simple aesthetic so visually
pleasing, while the patter of the rain was so pleasing to the ears. Yes, it was
pleasing. Something as simple as this.
So simple, like Noah’s words.
I’ll admit it now, his words
were pleasing, too.
Did that moment feel good yet?
Of course. It was perfection.
Did that moment feel bad yet?
Of course. It was disaster.
I’m so indecisive, but, how can
I not be? When everything’s beautiful yet ugly, there’s nothing else you can
be.
Noah, oh, Noah. His words that
would not leave my mind. Beautiful to my ears, but ugly within some amount of
time.
These feelings seemed to slow
down as the feeling of invigoration left me; as it left me, the rain stopped
with it, too.
When did the rain stop? Why did
the rain stop? How did the rain stop? So many questions, but one simple answer.
It wanted to.
My feelings of distraction of
overwhelming thoughts were gone and my head had become so clear.
Noah’s words made so much more
sense to me now, now that my feelings had practically disappeared.
Peace in my body. Peace in my
mind. Peace in my heart. There was so much more peace this time.
******************
My lips had stopped moving and I
knew I was done. I finally looked up at Noah and his face was unreadable. I’m
glad it was, too. If I knew what he was thinking, I’d regret everything I had
just said.
Before he could say anything, I
frankly told him, “It wasn’t straightforward and I’m sorry for that, but try to
figure it out yourself, Noah. You’ll understand.”
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