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Monday, December 14, 2015

"The Crystal Ship" by the Doors (Cover)

I Adore This Song...

And have basically been listening to it on repeat all day. I recorded this a few days ago (also listening to it on repeat) and thought I should share it. This is one of the rare times when I feel like I did pretty good for once, but I still feel like I need so much improvement. I was going to do this cover with the instrumental version in the background, but somehow that didn't feel right, so I just sang it without anything. I hope you guys like it, because this song is really special to me right now. Hopefully, I'm able to convey that. Thank you so much. I also decided to post this video on YouTube before posting it on here, so...I mean...yeah. That was my first ever YouTube video =) Enjoy...or not.


Sunday, December 13, 2015

Trolls Going After Feminists? Oh, the Oppression! (Clementine Ford)

Not Sure if it's Obvious By Now...

But I am not a huge supporter of feminism. I loved what it stood for in the past, but third wave feminism has definitely changed that meaning and girls now, who are trying to look up to something, are getting a misconstrued version of feminism. Of course, I don't think all feminists are bad nor do I think women shouldn't be feminists, but I am just trying to share my own personal thoughts and feelings on the subject. 

If you haven't heard about it yet, there is a feminist blogger named Clementine Ford. She was called a slut online by Michael Nolan and upon being called this, she contacted his workplace and got him fired. Now, I can see both sides of this situation, but personally I do not think this is something he deserved. Keep in mind, she has been called many things by many people, so why this person? Why did she choose him out of all the other horrible comment makers? That's not fair. We also have to keep in mind that people make stupid mistakes online. We are all different in real life vs. online vs. anywhere else. 

For example, here's an imaginary scenario all too common to many of us. Let's say we're acquainted with someone we have to work around a lot whether it be school, the workplace, volunteering, etc. Social situations! Let's say that's the case. Well, what if one particular person is mean to you and they are nice to everyone else? There are lots of things you can do in this situation. You can obviously tell a person in charge what is going on and they will be able to work out the situation, but let's say in this particular scenario you have the power to get this person fired just by saying, "I don't like that they're mean to me." Would you do that knowing that the only person they have a problem with is you? Would you do that when they are nice to everyone else? I hope not. You should always try to resolve problems differently. Getting rid of something that you find to be a problem or fighting fire with fire is not always going to help the situation. In the case of Clementine Ford, I don't think she should have done this. 

The week that this was going on (I know I'm a little late to jump this stupid bandwagon of what she's done and write about it) she had said so many things to others that were out of hand towards men. Now think about the definition of feminism very hard. Isn't it the equality of the sexes? How is this in any way equal towards men? How can she say hurtful things about men and expect that to be okay? "Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself." It's funny how we want people to follow those rules, but we don't think hard about it. If you're criticizing men for criticizing women aren't you just doing what they were doing in the first place? How can you be fine with that? It's hypocritical, is it not?

Well, a member of an online website I go on sent me the link to an article regarding what has been going on with Clementine Ford and already right off the bat we see the article is so biased, "Why do trolls go after feminists?" Basically, if you do anything that's against a feminist or feminism you are a troll. I've been called a troll a few times by some twitter feminists and let me tell you, they think that by calling you a troll that everything you say is no longer credible matter how logical it may be. I don't think that's right. You should have the right to have your own opinions. Just because you are not a feminist does not mean your opinion doesn't matter and just because you reply to feminist theories with you're own rebuttal, doesn't make you a troll. Everything is so misconstrued nowadays. I thought a troll was someone who just fucked with people online. Apparently, if you fuck with people's logic and make them question themselves, it's also called being a troll and you will immediately be blocked to create a safe space for whoever it is you are "trolling." That's not to say that there aren't trolls who do go after feminists, but there's always some reason for it. They probably find them easy targets to mess around with. Feminist logic has failed us so many times, so trolls feed off of that failure. They see it as something to easily make fun of and rightfully so. This is partly the feminists fault, too, for letting things get so bad. They should really try to set a clear path for what they are doing at the moment to make things easier. I feel bad for those who are actually trying to make a change, but can't because of the feminists who have messed up what the movement is really about. Of course, though, when you're movement as a whole is somewhat faulty and a majority of the people in your movement believe it, then people are going to criticize you. At some point you have to realize that trolls are just fucking around with you, but that doesn't mean that they're opinions don't hold true and can also be significant.

"So why do many hard core internet trolls target women, and feminists in particular?" I don't even think there are any troll demogra--oh, wait there are. The article also explains more in-depth what trolls are all about. I could probably write a response to that article, too, just because the demographics of them pretty much being "privileged white males" irks me. Again, if the group trolls are targeting can easily get made fun of, of course they're going to do it. Maybe I'm too much of a troll, but yeah, I think they do it mostly for laughs. I don't understand how when someone considered a troll does it, it's bad, but if someone we all love online does it, it suddenly becomes "smooth" (or it becomes extremely controversial. Maybe they can even become the most hated human being. Who knows? There's a world of possibilities out there). Anyways, I don't think trolls target women, and feminists. I feel it's more about targeting stupidity or obviously trying to find something that you can make a controversial/mean/whatever you want to call it comment, too. So if feminists were constituted of a bunch of dudes, trolls would still target them. If you just so happen to be a woman who said something they want to disagree with that's what happened. If you happen to be a feminist, perhaps they are targeting feminists, but perhaps not. Perhaps they just didn't like your comment, so they replied to it horribly. Let's talk about Clementine Ford now. How in any way was Michael Nolan a troll? In fact, by him calling her a slut, wouldn't we want to label him a "cyberbully" instead? I think that would fit better in this situation just because he said one word. How do we know he wanted to spark controversy or get some laughs or just be plain mean just for fun? How do we know he didn't really mean it. I think with trolls, they do mean what they say, but the difference is they think it's fun/funny or they want to instigate. What if he was being serious? Would we not call him a cyberbully instead?

Here's where my problem with Ford contacting Nolan's employers and firing him starts: "It wasn't the first time Clementine Ford had been targeted on Facebook, nor was it the worst insult she had ever received." Already here it makes me wonder what it was about Nolan that just made her want to fire him? Was it the accessibility of contact that did it? She decided that the first person who had their information online would be the first person she would fire? Nolan could have as easily made another account with a fake name and fake information and never get in trouble, because whoever it was he created would not even exist. What if that had been the case? Would she have gone out of her way to fire a fake person? I highly doubt it. So if Nolan wasn't the first to do such a thing to her, why did she do it? Was she in a bad mood? Did she have nothing better to do? Did she get motivated and want to make some type of statement? What caused her to do it? That's the main question I have for her. If this wasn't the worst insult she received, why did it affect her so much? What was it about that word? Had he said another word, would she not have done anything? Surely, if he had commented, "I loathe you. You are a wanton woman," this situation would have been different (How can you not admire the use of the word wanton?). Anyhow, if she'd been called worse, why didn't she get those people fired? Did the simplicity of staring at one single word on the screen send ripples through her body that just told her she had to fire this guy. Why?

"A Sydney man named Michael Nolan called the feminist columnist and blogger a "slut" after she drew attention to threatening abuse she had been receiving elsewhere online." I think a lot of people take these kinds of posts as "cries for attention." Perhaps, she was just advocating the fact that we shouldn't be abusing others online (which is true, we shouldn't be doing such things. That's uncalled for. As I said in the beginning, "do unto others as you would have done unto yourself." If you're going to abuse someone else, think about how you would like it if you were abused online. Also, remember, there's a difference between abuse, trolling, and this so-called trolling even if you're not trolling. There's so many differences, but we can't seem to distinguish them anymore. Just remember, constant harassment after someone has made it clear to you that they do not enjoy what you are saying is abuse. Constantly, fucking with people because you think it's funny is a troll. Constantly, making your ideas clear in a way that is contradictory towards a particular group is this new so-called trolling. As I started off the paragraph, I mentioned "cries for attention." Why do you think that matters? We should be listening to people's cries for attention, right? Well, maybe because not everyone wants to see/hear these cries for attention. Maybe some people find it extremely annoying. It's not wrong to think so. Maybe Nolan was sick of it and he posted his comment irritated with reading things that he found annoying about her article. Wow, way to look at that on the flip side, am I right? We never look at the person who is getting blamed for what they're doing. We complain about victim-blaming, but we never complain about perpetrator-blaming? I'm not saying, "Side with the person who is wrong," but sometimes the person who is perceived to be wrong is not always the one who is wrong. There are many people who are falsely accused of doing things. How can we not say there isn't such a thing as perpetrator-blaming? Taking it back, let's look at Nolan a little deeper. At the start I was asking Ford, why would she do such a thing and I'm sure many people would think, "She had the right to do it and no one should be complaining about what she's done." Shouldn't the same apply to Nolan. Why would he do such a thing? "He had the right to do it and no one should be complaining about what he's done." It goes both ways...doesn't it? If it doesn't, re-evaluate what you think feminism means. This will make things a lot clearer and make it more apparent what kind of feminist you are. What if Nolan was having a bad day? Oh, but if he's having a bad day, no one would care, because he's the person who did the wrong thing. Ford is not the person in the wrong even though she got someone fired without knowing whether they needed that job. She could have literally ruined his life, but no, she's not the person who did the wrong thing in this situation. Can we all just agree that from both sides, both people in this situation did the wrong thing. Ford for getting someone fired and Nolan for being mean to someone online. Both did something they maybe shouldn't have, but it happened, and it doesn't seem like things are going to change anytime soon, so life will be life.

"Sometimes, Ford said, she blocks people who send her such messages and sometimes she shouts back at the trolls." Why does she block some people, but some people no? (She blocked me and I never made one comment to her. I just made a tweet about her, nothing horrible, but apparently I'm not who she wants to deal with.) I think she blocks the people she knows she can't win in an argument with and the people she doesn't are people she thinks she can win in an argument with. There's no reason for her to pick and choose. "Hmm, I think this abuse looks nice. Maybe I should try replying to that one and see how the conversation goes." It's pretty much as if she were trying on clothing. "I think I'll take this one and remove this one from my purchase."

"I think his choice to write that particular word - a word that is used to degrade and dehumanise women - on a post where I was sharing an example about sexualised violence and abuse was a pretty key indicator of the attitudes he took towards women." I would first like to start off with commenting on the word. I think people forget that words apply to both sexes. You can just as easily call a guy a slut as you would a girl. Since the definition of slut varies between people, you can't easily get offended. For example, my definition of a slut would be someone who sleeps with tons of people on the daily, doesn't care for commitment, and has no respect towards their body. Does that mean your definition of slut will be the same? Maybe your definition of slut is someone who allows others to use their body however they want. Maybe you think having over 10 sexual partners in your life makes you a slut. Etc. There are so many different perspectives as to what a word is. I don't think he should have used that word considering the context of the article, but again we don't really know his motive. What if he was the one trying to make a statement? Use a powerful word on a powerful article. As if he were finding the perfect moment to use the word in one of her articles. It's not sensitive, but I don't think people should be so highly affected by things like this when they're dealing with online situations. Rather than fight back by firing someone who you don't even know in real life, try to use what they said and advocate why hurting someone online is bad. So many better things could have been done and maybe then she wouldn't be getting so much shit thrown in her direction. People will see what she did and shake their heads. I definitely did. I don't think anyone should be fired over something so petty. Wouldn't it be funny if she got fired for saying something to a male? Oh, how the tables have turned! People (feminists/SJWS in particular) would be outraged. It would reach the masses, make the news, take the world by storm. How could a woman get fired over something so petty?! Oh, the oppression! Is that what it would be like? It's funny how they try to create equality, but in doing so gender distinctions have become so much more noticeable.

"Ford...noticed that Nolan's employer was mentioned on his Facebook profile." If that hadn't been in there what would she have done? Just kicked the situation to the side. Well, guys, this is exactly why you do not put information like that on your profile page. Let this be a lesson to everyone. Either don't say anything that could be mean (but these days everything is mean) or try to remain as anonymous as possible online. 

"Since the sacking, Ford said she has been subjected to hundreds of abusive messages on Facebook, Twitter and on email. She has taken screen shots of some of the messages and posted them on her blog. They include obscene sexual slurs, and death and rape threats." I'll start with the first sentence. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post towards how trolls are targeting feminists. The same thing applies to Ford's situation. She did something that can easily be made fun of or criticized, so people are definitely going to tell her something and when she's so readily available through social media, they'll leave a post for her. Is it abuse? Yes. Is it all abuse? No. She may be receiving abuse such as the sexual slurs and threats, but does that mean the stuff she isn't screen shotting is bad? No. Chances are, it's probably people pointing out what she did was wrong and trying to make her see why it was faulty. She's using what stupid people say to make her case look better. A great use of pulling at our emotions, but if some of us look deeper, we can obviously see she is also not giving us what normal, civilized people with opposite opinions are saying. Everyone in this world can't possibly be that hurtful, right? Then again, would she ever share something like this on her blog? Probably not. It doesn't support her, so she won't use it. Sure, I don't think she should be getting the abuse she is receiving, but think about it. She wanted Nolan to face the consequences of using a word she didn't like by firing him, and now she's receiving the consequences of possibly ruining someone's life. Hers is much easier to deal with. As she said, she can block them. =) For Nolan, a simple block can't do anything to help him out now.

"Ford herself has at times cursed at people online, telling them to shut up or worse. She admitted that she loses her temper but draws a distinction between uncivil language deployed in an running online argument, and threats of violence that come out of the blue." Why is she being a hypocrite then and getting mad at others for saying mean things to people online? That doesn't even make sense. That's like saying people shouldn't kill animals, but eating meat occasionally or like telling others they should love everyone for who they are, but occasionally judging the few people you're not fond of. She says that she can run a distinction. I'm sure a lot of us can so there's nothing special with that. Some people like to post past the acceptable boundaries. That's fine, too. It's just everyone's sensitivity levels are so high, it makes everything seem like a bad thing. You can't say this or that or else everyone will hate you. Sure, people can recognize and distinguish the difference between something they should and should not say online, but that doesn't mean they'll stop saying horrible things. Then she justifies herself in the paragraph after this one and I don't see why. There is no justification for this kind of stuff. She was being a hypocrite and she knew it. I don't like it when others try to justify their actions. "You shouldn't do this, and I may do it, but see this is why it's okay for me to do it." It's as if they think that everyone else is at fault except them and that shouldn't be the attitude of someone who is a "feminist." Someone who wants "equality."

The article then moves on from the topic of Clementine Ford's abuse to other abusive situations from an expert named Emmett Rensin. "Today he's a self-described "lefty feminist." Well, I don't think anything good can come after that lol. "He's also a former teenage troll who says that those hurling abuse online are 'pretending that life online is an alternative reality.'" I guess I was right. Nothing good could come after that. In regards to his definition of trolling. That actually points out something really major. Plenty of people online probably act like the other person on the other side of the screen isn't real. I'm sure that's the main appeal of online interaction, the lack of interaction that it provides with anyone really being there. You don't have to take into regard what your words may inflict onto others/how it may affect them/what they could do after seeing what you've sent to them. People don't think about that. Is trolling always that? After a while, you do become aware you are talking to someone real. So what happens when that realization is made? Do we continue to be mean, because we live in an alternative reality. Maybe. I'm sure there's more to it. I'm sure you can find people who truly support what they're saying or people who do it for other reasons. There's a wide variety of people out there. We'll never really know.

"They think they're a nice enough person in ordinary life, maybe with frustration or anger that they think the internet is a safe outlet for." That's plausible. Does it mean that they should reevaluate their attitude online? What if they're just a mean person? I think depending on your environment you will always act different. The internet is a different environment for many people. Some may see it no different than real life. Let's take me for example. I would say online I can range between many personalities. I can be nice, mean, funny, a mix of all that, or something else. I don't know. I'm aware of what I may imply with whatever it is I'm posting, but that doesn't mean anything to most people. They just take it as they want to take it. So even if I was saying the most sarcastic thing, I could be taken seriously and someone could get really offended. At home, I am generally a shut-in who does homework most of the time. I am quiet and shy and like to be left alone. That is my home life. At school, I am mostly shy, but I am quite social during lunch. So that shows even more of a distinction in environment. Depending on the situation you are put in, there can be an even bigger differentiation within the same place. To put it simply, we don't act constantly the same. We may have continuous traits in a specific environment, but that does not mean those traits will stay true to us in different situations. I think the internet is a safe outlet for releasing your frustration or anger. You can type up a storm and post it on a blog like me or you can send yourself an e-mail containing all the feelings you have or you can post a video on YouTube. The options are endless. It becomes a problem when you choose a specific person and decide to harass and harass them time after time. There's no reason for them to receive your abuse just because you feel bad about yourself. If you're having a conversation with back-and-forths that's fine, but when it becomes a thing where you pick at everything this person does obsessively, I think you should know that it's a problem. Try to use common knowledge when doing it. People might say that you should ask yourself if your comment will hurt the other person. Don't do that. It might and it might not. Are you going to keep every comment to yourself just because you want them to feel better? That's not how real life works, so why should the internet work like that.

"They think the internet is somewhere they can go and vent, and there's no real victim, the people aren't real, it doesn't really matter." Except it does and again people may not be aware of that at first, but gradually over time you would think that they do. Even so, there's a lot of people out here who don't really care. I wouldn't say it's venting, but I am looking at venting in the context of giving out your personal opinion with passion. Vent is a strong way of expressing your emotions is it not? Does that mean every time I reply to a feminist online I am being a troll, because I am venting about how I feel feminism isn't the answer to all problems? Apparently I am. If someone wants to vent, let them, because at times the other person and the person venting can learn a lot from these conversations. It's a problem when it gets to the level of abuse and harassment or when it just becomes plain petty. Both parties should know that when it just becomes petty there is no reason to reply anymore. If you have nothing more to say, then you should stop to. Make your points, finish, and be done with it. When you can't seem to do that, that's bad. That's when it's a problem.

"It's not as if in the last 150 years of feminist political action there haven't been men and women screaming at them to shut up or threatening them." That's wrong, but your movement is about equality, right? Don't they have the right to do those things. Technically, yes, because you want equality. Technically, no, because they're taking away your equality. It's a paradox. I think people should just be able to voice their opinions. Always question your beliefs, always listen to what the other party has to offer, and always listen to yourself. Do all of this without bias. Doing all three of these will give you a lot of insight and help you evolve. Feminists truly are doing a good thing, it's just gotten worse now with the third-wave. It might not get better either until they do something that significantly changes things for humanity as a whole.

"He suggests that individuals stick to the old internet adage 'don't feed the trolls' - in other words, ignore and block them - but acknowledges that it's difficult, and ignoring them won't quiet them, and won't always make them go away." You can do whatever you want. Whether you want to retaliate against the trolls or block them, do whatever you please. Always remember that your movement is about equality and if you think shutting them up is the answer than good luck with promoting equality. Is it "equality for all except people who are mean online?" No. Absolutely not. Everyone should consider what people are saying. Don't block unless you are truly affected by what these people are saying to you. If it doesn't bother you, then don't bother to block. It definitely won't quiet them and it won't make them go away. There will either be more coming or they will post their beliefs online like me or you will still somehow see what people are saying about you that you don't like. What can you do, but take it as it comes! Feminism is about being strong, isn't it? I have to admit right now. I used to lean towards feminism when I was in middle school. As I grew older, I gradually saw many flaws in it (most of all, the double standards), so I ended that phase in my life. The iconic picture of Rosie the Riveter is such a great example of how feminism has taught women to be strong. I'm not trying to twist things, but as strong women, we should be able to take the things thrown at us. Now, not everyone may have the same mental capacity for these things and that is when I would advise you to block these people, but for any feminists reading this, please try to keep that strong image in your mind. It's good to be strong. Show them your views, but as I said before, remember to evaluate their views as well. It keeps the relationship between feminists and anti-feminists (and this is a horrible word to use for people who are against feminism, b/c that definition has been misconstrued as well) healthy.

The article continues bringing it back to what Ford has told them. "You hear on the one hand 'Why don't you just block and delete?', or 'Why don't you just ignore them?' she says. 'So you block them then you are told you don't like debate or criticism and it's censorship.' It's true. Doing either is sort of iffy, but it's worse when you're a feminist. You're movement calls for equality, so you do have the right to block these people, but the fact that you're taking away their right to give you their opinion is why you're probably being criticized. Not because you don't like debate or criticism, but because your movement specifically says you fight for equality and that's not equal. Do what feels right, in the end you're the one who needs to be happy/feel engaged in whatever it is you're doing.

To everyone who has read this lengthy article, thank you very much. Overall, I hope you've learned that what I believe should be the answer to online "trolling" is a nice evaluation of everyone's opinions. I hope you've gained something from this and if you have any comments for me, post below!

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Male Privilege Rebuttal

Check Your Fucking Privilege!!!

If you've got a dick and identify as a man, well then, you better realize you are a horrible person who has a privilege and the fact that you don't realize the privilege makes you even more hated.

Now, I could write a whole list of how females have privileges or how guys don't have this perfect life because of some stupid privilege, but instead you can listen to me talking about it for say an hour and a half? Each segment will be about 30 minutes (except the last one) so you don't have to listen to everything I say, especially if you get pissed off after a while and I'm sure some of you will. If you speak another language, I'm so sorry. Let my voice sooth you? I don't think my voice is very soothing, but for some reason I really like listening to people talk. That's why radio shows are so good. You don't have to pay so much attention to them, you just let their voices enter your subconscious. Do that with this. It'll be cool. I'm going to be doing these types of things as often as I can. It takes a lot of time for me to do all of this.

((Note I recorded this on 11/19/15))

Enjoy and leave comments below on something you think I said was right or wrong or whatever your take on a certain point may be. I may make some faulty points and I might make some good points. It's up to you to determine whether you think my opinion is valid or not. Just remember to keep an open mind. =)

You can find this male privilege checklist here: Follow along with it if you wish or do a quick read through before you watch the video. Whatever you want.


Part 1


Part 2


Part 3


Part 4

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Pray for Paris, Pray for the World

As I'm Sure We're All Aware...

There were terrorist attacks in Paris, France on Friday which resulted in the deaths of many innocent lives. I would just like to show my support during this hard time. To any of you readers out there who live in France, stay safe and remember to stay positive, things will get better. I give you all my condolences. Everyone reading this. We need to stay strong during these times and hope for the best. There is fear right now for who and what could happen next as well as the fear of a third world war occurring. It is a scary thought, but right now all we can do is pray. Pray for the world everyone. Stay safe, stay strong, and stay positive. I pray for you all.


Wednesday, November 11, 2015

The Rush of Rain

I stood there. He stood there. We were inches apart, but the feeling was far. Neither of us saying a word and at this point it seemed like we’d never be able to recover from what had just been said.

“Noah, I’m going to tell you something,” I said my voice about to choke on the tension in the air. I would not look him in the eyes and I detached myself from the situation. There could be no connection or else this recollection would be disastrous.

He did not reply, he merely waited for me to speak. I was not talking for at least five minutes, because I was staring at the ground trying to see if it would tell me the perfect words. As if getting lost in the simplicity of the asphalt would make every word come out simple and straightforward.

But I am not a straightforward girl and Noah is not a stupid boy. Noah understands what I’m doing even if he doesn’t like it.

“When I finish, don’t reply to anything I’ve just said unless you really must,” I said and I didn’t have to look up to know he was nodding his head.

“Don’t worry, it isn’t bad,” I said. Those were the last words I remembered saying before everything was a blur and the words were coming out of my mouth fluidly as if they knew how to arrange themselves without my help. The words took over and my mind was no longer there. It was somewhere distant with the memories I am about to share.

******************

Last night, Noah told me the most amazing thing. Whether I found it good or bad was what I could not process. Last night it sounded so good, but it felt so bad. In contrast, this morning it was horrible, but it felt great. Why did those words have to stick in my head?! From night to my waking, I had to endure them. They’re driving me insane.

Of course, that’s not the worst part of it. Now, my mind is literally overflowing with every tiny detail, every change in voice intonation, every single word uttered from Noah’s mouth, and every cute laugh he would give out. Somehow none of it processed though. It just made my mind a landfill and the trash was the words I was taking in. Absolute trash. Absolute trash those words were. They meant nothing. They’ll never mean a thing. At least, that’s what my mind tells me. The heart is a scary thing. Always trying to dictate what it wants over what the mind wants; in this case, my heart was a canvas and the words were the picture. Art, so beautiful, meaningful to me, and sacred. They were all I ever wanted and needed, but still something did not feel right. How do I choose between intuition and logic when they’re both so different?

My mind and heart had just been in a race and now they were at it again. Would the madness ever stop?

No. The madness does not stop. It starts outside. To be specific, at 10:10 a.m. On a bright and sunny day. Physical education. Symbolism? Pain.

As if my body didn’t feel dirty enough from the words that Noah had said, I laid down on the ground feeling grime stain my hands.

Suddenly, it began to rain and all the dirtiness I had felt before seemed to wash away. Sadly, you can’t wash away what the mind and the heart want and that was Noah. Noah was what I wanted at that moment. All of him, not just part of him. I’m hypocritical in that sense. I know that when I’m with him I try my best to give him all of me, but I only give him the surface.

How was the rain you ask? It was scattered. A natural representation of my thoughts, but Noah will never see.

The clouds were even more magnificent than the rain that was falling on my body still trying to wash the sin away. The clouds seemed to cover me from the truth while the rain was washing me off, but both could not fulfill their task completely. My mind and heart were out of control. But I still looked up as I laid down and tried to let the rain and clouds fix what they could.

How did the clouds move you ask? They moved as fast as my mind. They crashed one after the other into each other like the million thoughts trying to be processed in my brain. Somehow the sky had the same overload as me, because the sky turned completely gray.

The mind is a funny tool. One moment it’s gone and then it’s back. Like the sky that was gray unexpectedly became blue. My mind was clear for a second.

The clarity I felt that made me want Noah more was all a lie I had formulated because of the events in the sky. I felt at peace because the weather looked like it was at peace, but like any person, the weather is a liar. It lies constantly, constantly, but you want to believe in something that isn’t the truth. Lying to yourself? Insanity!

Noah, am I even thinking of you?

YES OF COURSE I’M THINKING OF YOU!!! OH, HOW I WANT YOU WITH ME?! I NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN YOUR WORDS TO ME, BECAUSE MY MIND DOESN’T SEEM TO BE WORKING!

Physical education forced me to run and even though I was with my class I felt completely alone out here in this somewhat gloomy yet simple atmosphere. I ran and I ran and I kept running, but from what? We were all running for something, but me, I didn’t know my purpose anymore. I didn’t have a purpose anymore. I could no longer see it clearly.

Like that, a gust of a wind and a rush of rain, stronger and heavier than before, came back to startle my mind and soul. This time, however, the rain was not scattered. It was perfectly in place covering every aspect of space. The ground, the trees, the cars, everything! The rain covered every inch and every centimeter.

It even covered me. Somehow, I felt as if the rain hated me. It hated me so much, but it felt so loving. It hit my body various times making me cold all over. The drenching feeling felt so good, it was simply refreshing. I hadn’t felt this way in such a long time. It was such a sudden change. It was the best sudden change I could ask for; nothing and everything could ruin this day.

Yes, the goodness of the rain, the liberty, the freedom. Sadly, everything has a bad side to it and for the rain that was the blinding aspect of it.

Like anything we find pretty, there’s always something behind the looks, the façade. The rain has a façade? The worst of them all! It can hurt you emotionally and physically when you least expect it, just as it’s done to me. It hit my eyes continuously, momentarily blurring my sight. A sea of tears streamed down my face, a million emotions being conveyed. Joy, sadness, pain, all three? It was so confusing and that’s why I felt like the emotion I had was nothing.

The nothingness of my disposition seemed to make me feel confined, but mixed with the freedom of the rain on my body, everything seemed alright. Yes, everything was alright! For at that moment, I felt free. I felt as free as a bird. Yet somehow, I also felt confined by the rain as it was dragging me down.

The rain wanted me to escape, but I couldn’t.

Noah wants all of me, but could I?

Running? What good was it for? Clearing out the mind or making me feel even worse? How did it do both at the same time? Was it a rush of rain that we all felt? Did Noah feel it, too? Had I even felt it? No. I’d felt greatness.

Absolute greatness.

Back at school and with my entire class, I stood underneath the protection of the building rather than heading to the blacktop.

Rebellion? No. Just safety.

Safety? Yes. Just in the form of rebellion.

Noah will never see it. He’ll never experience it the way I did. It was just so beautiful looking at the emptiness of the area we would have filled. The simple aesthetic so visually pleasing, while the patter of the rain was so pleasing to the ears. Yes, it was pleasing. Something as simple as this.

So simple, like Noah’s words.

I’ll admit it now, his words were pleasing, too.

Did that moment feel good yet? Of course. It was perfection.

Did that moment feel bad yet? Of course. It was disaster.

I’m so indecisive, but, how can I not be? When everything’s beautiful yet ugly, there’s nothing else you can be.

Noah, oh, Noah. His words that would not leave my mind. Beautiful to my ears, but ugly within some amount of time.

These feelings seemed to slow down as the feeling of invigoration left me; as it left me, the rain stopped with it, too.

When did the rain stop? Why did the rain stop? How did the rain stop? So many questions, but one simple answer.

It wanted to.

My feelings of distraction of overwhelming thoughts were gone and my head had become so clear.

Noah’s words made so much more sense to me now, now that my feelings had practically disappeared.

Peace in my body. Peace in my mind. Peace in my heart. There was so much more peace this time.
******************
  
            My lips had stopped moving and I knew I was done. I finally looked up at Noah and his face was unreadable. I’m glad it was, too. If I knew what he was thinking, I’d regret everything I had just said.


         Before he could say anything, I frankly told him, “It wasn’t straightforward and I’m sorry for that, but try to figure it out yourself, Noah. You’ll understand.”

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Lovely Lady

I Had To Read This For My AP World History Class...

It is a poem written by Du Fu, a Confucian man sometimes considered as China's greatest poet.


Lovely lady, fairest of the time
hiding away in an empty valley;
daughter of a good house, she said,
fallen now among grasses of the wood.
"There was tumult and death within the passes then;
my brothers, old and young, all killed.
Office position -- what help were they?
I couldn't even gather up my brothers' bones!
The world despises you when your luck is down;
all I had went with the turn of the flame.
My husband was a fickle fellow,
his new girl as fair as jade.
Blossoms that close at dusk keep faith with the hour,
mandarin ducks will not rest apart;
but he could only see the new one laughing;
never hear the former one's tears--"
Wthin the mountain the stream runs clear;
out of the mountain it turns to mud.
Her maid returns from selling a pearl,
braids vines to mend their roof of thatch.
The lady picks a flower but does not put it in 
her hair,
gathers juniper berries, sometimes a handful.
When the sky is cold, in thin azure sleeves,
at dusk she stands leaning by the tall bamboo.

Starbuck's Red Cups Controversy

So As Some Of You May Have Heard...



There has been quite some backlash at the new design for Starbuck's red holiday cups. In the past they have had designs that were obviously gearing towards the Christmas spirit, but this year it is a plain, red cup. This is the statement made by Starbucks on their new cups and in all honesty, I find them to be perfect. I am Catholic and part of me always says that to celebrate Christmas we don't need presents, we just need God because that is what Christmas is about (unless we delve deeper, but let's not do that, let's just stay at the surface for what Christmas has become about). So what exactly is Christmas about? It's the celebration of baby Jesus' birth. The reason we give presents is because we are doing what the Three Magi did, but shouldn't we be giving presents to God? Shouldn't our present to God be our devotion or some other good quality rather than something like giving presents to our family members? Well, same with the cups! If Starbucks would rather their cups be red rather than gear it towards Christmas themes, they have the absolute right to do that. We must respect their decisions instead of backlashing them because they aren't supporting our religion. Since when was Christmas about a design on a cup? 

I do understand, so many of us are used to seeing those beautiful Christmas decorations and hearing holiday songs while drinking egg nog and eating candy canes, but this isn't what Christmas is about and neither is a cup. Sure, we may be used to it, but who cares? You never hear Jewish people complaining about the lack of Hanukkah decorations, do you? I feel that's because they already have a strong sense of what they are celebrating and they embrace their culture and they don't need others to do it for them. They understand that. What problem is there with the cup being just red? Nothing at all. 


So now I'm going to use parts of the article in this post and show you how I feel about this what a few people said. All credit to whatever I've quoted belongs to Justin Worland.

"Starbucks REMOVED CHRISTMAS from their cups because they hate Jesus," wrote Joshua Feuerstein in a viral Facebook post.

Well, did they ever openly say that? No one is going to say that. In the time we live in now, most people and businesses (I would like to hope) are open to whatever religion you may be. I mean consider how big Starbucks is. They aren't going to openly hate one religion, because that would be bad for business. Why would they hate Jesus? What actual reason would their be for them to hate him? Just because they don't put a Christmas theme on their cup doesn't mean they hate Jesus. So if I decide not to put any Christmas decorations up this year, does that mean I hate Jesus? Of course not. That's why this statement is illogical.

In an accompanying video, Feuerstein encourages customers to give their name as "Merry Christmas" to force Starbucks employees to say the phrase.

Ok, if you took the time to watch the video here are my thoughts on it. I completely understand where the guy is coming from. I do feel like the world has become extremely politically correct with things and I don't like it, because now everyone can shout hate crime and say something is offensive, but that's exactly what's being displayed here. The Christians are crying "hate crime" because Starbucks won't put a Christmas themed design on their cup. I do see where he's coming from, but I also see where Starbucks is coming from on the topic of how they aren't allowed to say the phrase "Merry Christmas." Again, if we're going to be truly equal, we ought to take Jews into consideration and how about Kwanza. How many people celebrate that? Probably not a lot, but that doesn't mean they're not there. And there's obviously other holidays around Christmas time, so you don't know who actually celebrates Christmas. I mean if someone came up to me and said, "Happy Hannukah!" I'd probably laugh and say, "Oh, well I'm not Jewish, but thanks." See, that's awkward. Companies want to avoid that with saying "Merry Christmas", because there are always people who will make it apparent that they don't celebrate Christmas. Of course, the most simple way to fix this is by simply saying "Happy Holidays." It's universal and I definitely wouldn't say this is leading up to a PC world. It's just being considerate. 

Overall, I'd say that on any account it really doesn't matter what a company decides to do. If it concerns you so much, make your own company or don't shop there, but don't say they're doing it because they "hate Jesus" or they're trying to be "politically correct."

UFO in California??? 11.7.15

Well Everyone, Something Absolutely Bizarre Happened Today...

And if you live in California (and as I've heard people in Mexico, but the places mostly near California, like Tijuana. Also, people in Oregon, Utah, Nevada and Arizona) you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

On 11.7.15 there was a strange occurrence in the sky. Many people have seen it and many people have seen completely different things. You can see this difference mostly through social media, but I only saw a YouTube video of what I saw minus the initial explosion.

Well, let me describe the situation to you. At around 6:00 p.m. PST I was out with my cousin's and one of them pointed out the thing in the sky. We all stopped to look at it and it was extremely strange. I'd never seen anything like it before and I probably won't see anything like it ever again (hopefully). In the sky, I saw a bright light. At first I thought it was the moon, then I thought it was one of those search helicopters, but I knew it couldn't have been either of those two things. When I looked at it, I was just amazed (and not in the good way). It was something I wish I hadn't seen (I'm very uneasy at the moment and this is 6 hours later). Well, among that bright light was also a bright blue streak that accompanied it. Sort of like one of the lights in the aurora borealis. Well at the end of this bright light and bright streak, there was a star at the head of it. Then the star seemed to detach itself and fizzled off. We watched as it fizzled off and then we saw a very faint white rectangle as if we were seeing one of those stereotypical UFOs, but only from a front angle and a thin angle as if it didn't have the typical saucer top or bottom. Then one of my cousin's stayed out with me to watch it and we watched the fizzled portion turn in a circle, but it went lower and lower so by then we could see it no longer due to the house blocking it from us. We then stayed to watch as the bright blue streak faded away (the bright light had faded a while before though. It was still there, but so faintly that you wouldn't even notice and it gradually got smaller and smaller).

I've been freaking out about it and then at around 9:00 PST the news informed us of what had been happening, but the thing is there are basically three different stories and in here I will disprove each as best as I can.

Keep in mind now, that I never thought aliens were real until now when this occurred. I have a strict "I'll believe it when I see it" policy and now I have seen it, so I will believe it. Here's the video to watch first, before you try to disprove me. I suggest finding the video on YouTube, the name of this is 

"MASSIVE BLUE UFO OVER LOS ANGELES 11 7 15 HD" and credit goes to the person who filmed them, which would be in the YouTube description, which you can access through clicking on the video and letting it take you to the actual YouTube website.



1. Remnants from a meteor shower.

One if they were really remnants from a meteor shower why would they be going sideways and so slowly. I would expect them to go at an angle, but let's say they can go at a very straight angle, I don't think they'd be staying in place (because it did stay in place for a moment) and moving as slow as that was moving. Also, if it were from a meteor shower, meteors that have blue streaks are the ones that go faster. The ones that go slower are red/orange.

2. Rocket ship launch.

As I mentioned before, pretty much everyone in California who was outside to see this, saw this. So basically as far North as San Francisco to as down south as San Diego and also all the other states I mentioned. How is it remotely possible that we all saw a rocket launch at the same time and yet somehow it all looked different. Because many people saw many different things. Why is that? Why are we seeing different rockets. By the way, this rocket launch was done in San Francisco, so why is it that someone down in Southern California, can see that. If that were true, we'd see airplanes from San Francisco all the way over here, too and that's why it doesn't make sense.

3. Naval missile launch.

Worst one of them all. Basically, what this is is that a missile is being launched, but why was it so slow? Why was it staying pretty much in place? Why was it visible as far as Utah? Why were they shooting this over Los Angeles, when it could have failed and destroyed something? Why aren't they notifying us of these things? It just doesn't add up. There are too many holes in this.

There is something more to what happened yesterday (since I've just finished writing this at 12:55 a.m. on 11.8.15) and we may never know the truth behind it sadly.

Well, maybe we will, but for now, it remains a mystery. I have a very bad feeling about this.

Leave comments down below!!! Tell me what you think it is! Aliens? Rocket? Comets? Missile? Which one do you believe?

Saturday, October 10, 2015

The Path to Individuality

Here is my "This I Believe" Essay...

I had thought of other thing's to write about and in the end I was dissatisfied with the outcome of this essay, because I had to change it around to make it something everyone could relate to and that's not me. I want something personal to me. Something that I can look back at and say, "Yes, this is who I am. This is what I write." Not, "I had to write this for school, whatever." Another bad thing about this essay is that it had to be personal and I really couldn't connect it to myself. It's literally just something I believe in. If I'd known that making it as personal as possible would have given me a better grade, I would have written my essay on not being narrow-minded, because this past year (and still now) I've really been getting a feel for who I am. It's enjoyable. I know though, that if I had written that it wouldn't have been positive and the essay also had to be super positive. If I had written it on not being narrow-minded, I would have said a bunch of negative things about "impressionability" and "ignorance." Anyhow, let's get to the essay!~

*******************************************************

Everywhere around you, you will find people following the trends and sharing the same opinions as the vast majority. They follow whatever everyone else is doing without really thinking for themselves. Isn’t that boring? Unfortunately, people are expected to jump on the bandwagon or else they’ll be considered the odd one out. However, I believe in individuality and having your own personal opinions and unique tastes.
        In society, the one who does things strangely is considered bad, but why does it have to be that way? I’ve always thought that distinguishing yourself is what makes a person truly shine. I see so many people doing what everyone else does and I wonder who they really are inside. Is this truly them or is there someone I’ve never met underneath this mask? Are they trying to cover up who they really are in fear of what others will think? I believe we shouldn’t live in fear, because of who we are. Being individual and being proud of who you are, will not bring fear, but respect.
        For as long as I can remember, I have been different and still today I would rather watch a silent film than watch the late release. Put simply, I don’t do anything most people in my age group do. Instead, I do what feels right to me and that’s what individuality is all about. Being comfortable with who you are. Why is this viewed as bad though? Don’t most of us agree that it’s good to be yourself? If that’s true, then why is it that the moment someone decides to express their individuality they are shunned? Is it because society has already made individuality something wrong?
There needs to be a change and it needs to be done soon. I believe individuality should be welcomed into society, not rejected. Everyone around us has his or her own quirks, but doesn’t show them because of social expectations. The famous composer Mozart was probably expected to act a proper way, but he did weird things while performing and had the confidence to express himself through music and through what he said. For his bold individuality, he was not only accepted, but loved by all who knew him. I believe forgetting about these expectations and accepting individuality leads to a better atmosphere for everyone. Finally, people can feel free to be themselves without worrying about judgment. Wouldn’t this be wonderful? Shouldn’t society strive to make this possible?

I feel that once individuality becomes a part of our ordinary lives, we will finally be able to live without fear of who we are inside. It might be deeply instilled into society that individuality is strange, but I believe everyone can look past those standards. As soon as individuality is recognized, it will become the start to something much bigger. I believe if acceptance towards individuality continues, everyone will be known for who they really are and not for who they were expected to be.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

35 Questions Answered By Me

OMG WE HAVEN'T DONE THIS IN FOREVER!!!

It's about time, don't you think? It's currently 10:47 p.m. and I'm very bored. I don't want to do homework, watch anything, write any stories, not even listen to music. So I have to do something! And this is what I've chosen right before I go to sleep. Enjoy 35 questions answered by me and maybe soon, quite soon, I will post some answers in my own voice like that one time. Seems interesting enough, right!?




1. Any scars?:

From self harm? No. I do have a little scar right beside my eye that I got from pretty much almost taking my eye out with a piece of glass as a little kid. =/ I like it. I probably have more random scars, you know, cuts that never healed, but self-inflicted? Never.

2. Self harmed?

No. I would never. I can't stand the sight of blood and I can't stand the feeling of pain. Two in one, no thank you.

3. Crush?

Do I have one? Maybe. I'm not sure if I could classify it as a crush, but I guess I do.

4. Kissed anyone?

Never.

5. Coke or Pepsi?

Coke obviously. The only reason I would ever drink Pepsi, is if there was nothing else available.

6. Someone you hate?

I hate a lot of people at school. There's this one asshole who tries to make everyone feel bad about themselves, so I mean there's him. I also hate all those kids that think they're cool for being different, but they're not. They're literally just people. The list goes on and on. =/

7. Best friends?

Not best friends! Best friend. There should never be an (s), you can't have two best friends unless all three of you agree to be a trio of best friendshipness and by that I mean you are all equally close to each other. Anyway, I have a best friend. She's cool. =)

8. Done alcohol?

No and I never will.

9. Done drugs?

No and I never will. Only prescription drugs for the amount and time needed.

10. Dream job?

Singer. It seems awesome to just perform in front of a bunch of adoring fans and feeling this sense of absolute bliss to be in front of them and making them happy.

11. Ever been in love?

I have no idea. Scientifically, if you like someone for more than 4 months then it's love, and I sort of have liked this person for more than 4 months. Is it love?

12. Last time you cried?

Sometime in the summer. I don't recall the exact date.

13. Favorite color?

Black.

14. Height?

5'5"

15. Birthday?

Confidential, just know that it's in August.

16. Eye color?

Brown, but so many people think my eyes look black.

17. Hair Color?

Black.

18. What you love?

I love a lot of things. I love my computer, I love chocolate, I love homework. Just a few things to list at the moment.

19. Obsession?

Currently, watching movies is my obsession.

20. Do you love someone?

I don't even know. This refers back to question 11, so yeah. I am a very caring person though, so it's safe to say that I love many people for various reasons and not romantic ones.

21. Kiss or hug?

Neither. Anxiety from contact between a hug and the disgusting thought of swapping spit from a kiss. I really wouldn't want either.

22. Nickname?

I don't have one.

23. Favorite song?

If you have a favorite song, then you're life must be completely together. I really like "I am the Walrus" by the Beatles right now though.



24. Favorite band?

Mindless Self Indulgence

25. Worst thing ever?

Right now I would have to say impressionability and pretension.

26. Best thing ever?

Being with people you enjoy having around.

27. Near death experience?

I think I was sleepwalking and you know they say to never wake up a sleepwalker, but see I wasn't walking I was moving. I was literally at the edge of my bed one night when I was eight at a strange angle kneeling and almost teetering over. I have no idea how I didn't fall and break my neck, but that's not what happened and my mom woke me up and I went back to bed scared.

28. Ever dated?

No.

29. Worst mistake?

Srsly? That really can't be proven. Can I say me being born was the worst mistake??? Or is that too harsh on my end???

30. Special talents?

Haha, something perverted popped into my mind first even though it isn't a special talent I possess. Umm, I can sing, is that special???

31. Someone you can tell everything to?

I really can't confide in anyone about everything, but I do tell my mom pretty much everything.

32. Ever lost a loved one?

Yes, my grandfather. =(

33. Do you believe in love?

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Right now I do! I love love. =) I think that love can be anything you want it to be though, it doesn't have to be romantic, it can be platonic or familial. As long as you have love though, you have compassion and that's what all of us need to make the world a better place I think.

34. Someone you hate?

No one in particular right now. All those impressionable kids I guess.

35. Are you okay?

I'm great, thanks for asking!