The Rush of Rain

I stood there. He stood there. We were inches apart, but the feeling was far. Neither of us saying a word and at this point it seemed like we’d never be able to recover from what had just been said.

“Noah, I’m going to tell you something,” I said my voice about to choke on the tension in the air. I would not look him in the eyes and I detached myself from the situation. There could be no connection or else this recollection would be disastrous.

He did not reply, he merely waited for me to speak. I was not talking for at least five minutes, because I was staring at the ground trying to see if it would tell me the perfect words. As if getting lost in the simplicity of the asphalt would make every word come out simple and straightforward.

But I am not a straightforward girl and Noah is not a stupid boy. Noah understands what I’m doing even if he doesn’t like it.

“When I finish, don’t reply to anything I’ve just said unless you really must,” I said and I didn’t have to look up to know he was nodding his head.

“Don’t worry, it isn’t bad,” I said. Those were the last words I remembered saying before everything was a blur and the words were coming out of my mouth fluidly as if they knew how to arrange themselves without my help. The words took over and my mind was no longer there. It was somewhere distant with the memories I am about to share.

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Last night, Noah told me the most amazing thing. Whether I found it good or bad was what I could not process. Last night it sounded so good, but it felt so bad. In contrast, this morning it was horrible, but it felt great. Why did those words have to stick in my head?! From night to my waking, I had to endure them. They’re driving me insane.

Of course, that’s not the worst part of it. Now, my mind is literally overflowing with every tiny detail, every change in voice intonation, every single word uttered from Noah’s mouth, and every cute laugh he would give out. Somehow none of it processed though. It just made my mind a landfill and the trash was the words I was taking in. Absolute trash. Absolute trash those words were. They meant nothing. They’ll never mean a thing. At least, that’s what my mind tells me. The heart is a scary thing. Always trying to dictate what it wants over what the mind wants; in this case, my heart was a canvas and the words were the picture. Art, so beautiful, meaningful to me, and sacred. They were all I ever wanted and needed, but still something did not feel right. How do I choose between intuition and logic when they’re both so different?

My mind and heart had just been in a race and now they were at it again. Would the madness ever stop?

No. The madness does not stop. It starts outside. To be specific, at 10:10 a.m. On a bright and sunny day. Physical education. Symbolism? Pain.

As if my body didn’t feel dirty enough from the words that Noah had said, I laid down on the ground feeling grime stain my hands.

Suddenly, it began to rain and all the dirtiness I had felt before seemed to wash away. Sadly, you can’t wash away what the mind and the heart want and that was Noah. Noah was what I wanted at that moment. All of him, not just part of him. I’m hypocritical in that sense. I know that when I’m with him I try my best to give him all of me, but I only give him the surface.

How was the rain you ask? It was scattered. A natural representation of my thoughts, but Noah will never see.

The clouds were even more magnificent than the rain that was falling on my body still trying to wash the sin away. The clouds seemed to cover me from the truth while the rain was washing me off, but both could not fulfill their task completely. My mind and heart were out of control. But I still looked up as I laid down and tried to let the rain and clouds fix what they could.

How did the clouds move you ask? They moved as fast as my mind. They crashed one after the other into each other like the million thoughts trying to be processed in my brain. Somehow the sky had the same overload as me, because the sky turned completely gray.

The mind is a funny tool. One moment it’s gone and then it’s back. Like the sky that was gray unexpectedly became blue. My mind was clear for a second.

The clarity I felt that made me want Noah more was all a lie I had formulated because of the events in the sky. I felt at peace because the weather looked like it was at peace, but like any person, the weather is a liar. It lies constantly, constantly, but you want to believe in something that isn’t the truth. Lying to yourself? Insanity!

Noah, am I even thinking of you?

YES OF COURSE I’M THINKING OF YOU!!! OH, HOW I WANT YOU WITH ME?! I NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN YOUR WORDS TO ME, BECAUSE MY MIND DOESN’T SEEM TO BE WORKING!

Physical education forced me to run and even though I was with my class I felt completely alone out here in this somewhat gloomy yet simple atmosphere. I ran and I ran and I kept running, but from what? We were all running for something, but me, I didn’t know my purpose anymore. I didn’t have a purpose anymore. I could no longer see it clearly.

Like that, a gust of a wind and a rush of rain, stronger and heavier than before, came back to startle my mind and soul. This time, however, the rain was not scattered. It was perfectly in place covering every aspect of space. The ground, the trees, the cars, everything! The rain covered every inch and every centimeter.

It even covered me. Somehow, I felt as if the rain hated me. It hated me so much, but it felt so loving. It hit my body various times making me cold all over. The drenching feeling felt so good, it was simply refreshing. I hadn’t felt this way in such a long time. It was such a sudden change. It was the best sudden change I could ask for; nothing and everything could ruin this day.

Yes, the goodness of the rain, the liberty, the freedom. Sadly, everything has a bad side to it and for the rain that was the blinding aspect of it.

Like anything we find pretty, there’s always something behind the looks, the façade. The rain has a façade? The worst of them all! It can hurt you emotionally and physically when you least expect it, just as it’s done to me. It hit my eyes continuously, momentarily blurring my sight. A sea of tears streamed down my face, a million emotions being conveyed. Joy, sadness, pain, all three? It was so confusing and that’s why I felt like the emotion I had was nothing.

The nothingness of my disposition seemed to make me feel confined, but mixed with the freedom of the rain on my body, everything seemed alright. Yes, everything was alright! For at that moment, I felt free. I felt as free as a bird. Yet somehow, I also felt confined by the rain as it was dragging me down.

The rain wanted me to escape, but I couldn’t.

Noah wants all of me, but could I?

Running? What good was it for? Clearing out the mind or making me feel even worse? How did it do both at the same time? Was it a rush of rain that we all felt? Did Noah feel it, too? Had I even felt it? No. I’d felt greatness.

Absolute greatness.

Back at school and with my entire class, I stood underneath the protection of the building rather than heading to the blacktop.

Rebellion? No. Just safety.

Safety? Yes. Just in the form of rebellion.

Noah will never see it. He’ll never experience it the way I did. It was just so beautiful looking at the emptiness of the area we would have filled. The simple aesthetic so visually pleasing, while the patter of the rain was so pleasing to the ears. Yes, it was pleasing. Something as simple as this.

So simple, like Noah’s words.

I’ll admit it now, his words were pleasing, too.

Did that moment feel good yet? Of course. It was perfection.

Did that moment feel bad yet? Of course. It was disaster.

I’m so indecisive, but, how can I not be? When everything’s beautiful yet ugly, there’s nothing else you can be.

Noah, oh, Noah. His words that would not leave my mind. Beautiful to my ears, but ugly within some amount of time.

These feelings seemed to slow down as the feeling of invigoration left me; as it left me, the rain stopped with it, too.

When did the rain stop? Why did the rain stop? How did the rain stop? So many questions, but one simple answer.

It wanted to.

My feelings of distraction of overwhelming thoughts were gone and my head had become so clear.

Noah’s words made so much more sense to me now, now that my feelings had practically disappeared.

Peace in my body. Peace in my mind. Peace in my heart. There was so much more peace this time.

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            My lips had stopped moving and I knew I was done. I finally looked up at Noah and his face was unreadable. I’m glad it was, too. If I knew what he was thinking, I’d regret everything I had just said.

         Before he could say anything, I frankly told him, “It wasn’t straightforward and I’m sorry for that, but try to figure it out yourself, Noah. You’ll understand.”

The Path to Individuality

Here is my "This I Believe" Essay...

I had thought of other thing's to write about and in the end I was dissatisfied with the outcome of this essay, because I had to change it around to make it something everyone could relate to and that's not me. I want something personal to me. Something that I can look back at and say, "Yes, this is who I am. This is what I write." Not, "I had to write this for school, whatever." Another bad thing about this essay is that it had to be personal and I really couldn't connect it to myself. It's literally just something I believe in. If I'd known that making it as personal as possible would have given me a better grade, I would have written my essay on not being narrow-minded, because this past year (and still now) I've really been getting a feel for who I am. It's enjoyable. I know though, that if I had written that it wouldn't have been positive and the essay also had to be super positive. If I had written it on not being narrow-minded, I would have said a bunch of negative things about "impressionability" and "ignorance." Anyhow, let's get to the essay!~

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Everywhere around you, you will find people following the trends and sharing the same opinions as the vast majority. They follow whatever everyone else is doing without really thinking for themselves. Isn’t that boring? Unfortunately, people are expected to jump on the bandwagon or else they’ll be considered the odd one out. However, I believe in individuality and having your own personal opinions and unique tastes.

        In society, the one who does things strangely is considered bad, but why does it have to be that way? I’ve always thought that distinguishing yourself is what makes a person truly shine. I see so many people doing what everyone else does and I wonder who they really are inside. Is this truly them or is there someone I’ve never met underneath this mask? Are they trying to cover up who they really are in fear of what others will think? I believe we shouldn’t live in fear, because of who we are. Being individual and being proud of who you are, will not bring fear, but respect.

        For as long as I can remember, I have been different and still today I would rather watch a silent film than watch the late release. Put simply, I don’t do anything most people in my age group do. Instead, I do what feels right to me and that’s what individuality is all about. Being comfortable with who you are. Why is this viewed as bad though? Don’t most of us agree that it’s good to be yourself? If that’s true, then why is it that the moment someone decides to express their individuality they are shunned? Is it because society has already made individuality something wrong?

There needs to be a change and it needs to be done soon. I believe individuality should be welcomed into society, not rejected. Everyone around us has his or her own quirks, but doesn’t show them because of social expectations. The famous composer Mozart was probably expected to act a proper way, but he did weird things while performing and had the confidence to express himself through music and through what he said. For his bold individuality, he was not only accepted, but loved by all who knew him. I believe forgetting about these expectations and accepting individuality leads to a better atmosphere for everyone. Finally, people can feel free to be themselves without worrying about judgment. Wouldn’t this be wonderful? Shouldn’t society strive to make this possible?

I feel that once individuality becomes a part of our ordinary lives, we will finally be able to live without fear of who we are inside. It might be deeply instilled into society that individuality is strange, but I believe everyone can look past those standards. As soon as individuality is recognized, it will become the start to something much bigger. I believe if acceptance towards individuality continues, everyone will be known for who they really are and not for who they were expected to be.

"To Err is Human, to Forgive Divine"

I Have No Idea...

What to write about for this one and I'm so tired and I really just want to go to sleep even though it's barely 10:08 and I could go to sleep way later than this, but I'm drained of energy and I can't stop thinking about something that's been bothering me (and actually this is how my english class works. You don't even have to write about the topic, but I like sticking to topics, so I'm going to write about the topic, so let's go! Let's do this!)

PROMPT: There is a famous adage: "To err is human, to forgive divine."

When did you feel divine because you were able to forgive someone for their mistake? When did someone act divine by forgiving you when you were wrong?

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I do think I'm actually a very forgiving person. I do not hold grudges like a lot of my family members on my mother's side do and for this I am glad. I just want to be happy and I think it is much better to forgive someone even when they have made a mistake then to just let it simmer in your brain on how much it makes you mad that they did such a thing. Everyone makes mistakes and we must realize that, so it is not good to just get mad at someone and not forgive them for what they've been, because honestly, they probably feel worse about it compared to you. I think there are many times people have messed up in my family and I'm not naming any names, but this particular person has messed up so many times in making good decisions in general. They have never once thought about what they could do, they don't try hard enough, and then they want to blame it on you and I don't think that's right. It's horrible at times, but I think the fact that I can forgive them, and all of us really, can forgive this person is what I think is really good. You must forgive or else how can anyone else forgive you?

I can't really think of a time when I did anything wrong, but I'm sure I have, but no one ever forgives me, so it doesn't pertain to me really. I would be really happy if someone did forgive me for something I did that I genuinely knew I made a mistake of. 

What's in a Hero?

I've Never Actually Thought of This...

And it did catch my eye when we were doing our prompts, but I didn't think I could articulate the words very well.

PROMPT: Our society uses the word hero in many different ways.

How do you define hero, and who is a hero in your life?

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Being my hero. Superman, Batman, Spiderman, etc. You know all of them. THEY'RE HEROS! Who are our real heroes though? Who are those people you don't see on the cover of a comic book every now and then? Who are the real heroes? Who are the hidden heroes?

I think personally, anybody can be a hero! We're all heroes! When I think of a hero, I think of someone who saves others and maybe that's just from comic books, but that's what I think. I think this is someone I can look up to, someone who has saved me! That's a hero! For many, their hero can be someone as simple as their best friend to someone who really does save the day everyday like a fireman. Admiration towards this person for their heroic actions is key to who your hero is. Why do you look up to this person? How did they save you? What would have happened if you hadn't been saved? And it's not just near death kind of saving, it's mental saving, emotional saving, saving someone from themselves. I mean there are so many ways you can save someone, but we always think a hero is someone who is great at saving people physically. "He saved me from dying! He's my hero!" We can look at this as someone who almost died of natural causes or someone who so mentally unstable they wanted to die and someone helped them through it. That is why heroes can be very different.

Every hero comes in different shapes/sizes, you know the common saying. Even I am a hero. You guys reading this are heroes. We're all heroes. We may not be aware of it, but we are all heroes.

Who is a hero in my life? Perhaps, everyone I've ever crossed paths with! Considering a lot of those people haven't affected my life, that's highly unlikely, but maybe they saved me from feeling alone in this void. That's what they did. Someone who I utterly hate is my hero. Yes, it's possible! Even if you hate them, imagine where all this hate comes from. Why exactly do you hate them? To me, I imagine, that if someone I hated was my hero, the only thing they'd have saved me from was from hating myself. Hating someone else allows you to love yourself. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN YOU!!!! Haha, but that example was sort of wacky I think. Let me tell you who I think my real hero is.

I think my hero is my mom. She's always been there for me and has always looked out for me in my 15 years of life. Who else is going to do that for you? Who else wants to do that for you? She has helped me through so many things and given me very good advice and she supports my decisions. She does things others can't do and I talk to her very easily and that's why she's my hero. She saved me from feeling very alone in this world. With her, I never feel too bad. So a hero doesn't have to always save you physically, because in this case my mom saved me emotionally, and I am forever grateful to her for that.

So, who's your hero?

Work In Progress

We All Are...

Here is my personal experience that I had to elaborate on in English class. I'd like to add to you valuable readers that ever since I started my English Honors class, sophomore year I have been very happy. I have found an environment where I am not afraid to share my feelings on a piece of paper (of course, it fears me to think about the teacher reading such things/having to talk about them with my writing group). I think a lot of that has to do with what I am talking about in today's writing prompt.

Note: I will be posting five more of these prompts in the coming hours, so please enjoy reading the other five prompts as well. Thank you. Now onward, to the prompt that caught my eye the most!~

PROMPT: All of us are works in progress with a long way to go before we reach our full potential.

In what skill or area are you still working to make progress?

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I think I am still a work in progress, but in what area, I am unsure. Towards the end of middle school to the beginning of freshmen year, I began finding myself. Who was I really? I knew I was not like other people in my age group. We don't like the same things at all and I thought I was really strange for that. My weird taste in things I chose to like/be interested in never stopped (and won't stop). I wouldn't say it was like a coming-of-age sort of thing where I somehow discover the truth to being a teen, but it was more like a journey into the center of my mind. I was more aware of the things happening around me and I could finally have my own opinion on it. I was finally realizing it was okay to have an opposite opinion from the rest of the world. It's not like I wasn't opinionated before this, because I was, but now I'm not afraid to speak m mind no matter how shocking my opinion on a subject may be. What did any of this even have to do with progress though? I simply found myself and am still doing so now and probably for the rest of my life. Do you see that? It's a continuous cycle. Progress is a continuous cycle. Even after making progress, there's still more to be done. There's still more for me to find. I'm still not fully aware of who I truly am and I never will be. Sure, I can say now, I'm a smart, somewhat funny, weird, etc. teen, but is that who I'm going to be tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year? I'll never know.

What Do You Think?

Yeah, Honestly, What Do I Think?

I'm never really given any thought-provoking questions at all and when I am, I'm always afraid that my beliefs are very strange. They're usually not the norm or they aren't for the same reasons as everyone else. I was given the chance in class to discuss fifteen thought-provoking statements and tell whether I agreed or disagreed with them within my group. Of course, none of them really did and there's a few in here that make you think, "Wow, this chick is cold-hearted." I don't care. Everyone has opinions, but whether they can back it up or not is different.  Today's post will give you a bit of elaboration and may be a bit long, but just know I had a really fun time typing this and it's been the first post I've made in a really long time and I hope to make more posts like this soon. Thank you.

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Life is Fair

Disagree:

I will never forget the ending to the theme song of Malcolm in the Middle. "Life is unfair." No doubt, it really is. I guess it's really just perspective though and I can tell why many people would agree with this statement, but then again this is why many people can disagree with the statement, too. It all really has to do with the type of life you are living. I wouldn't say my life is unfair, but of course there are times when I'd say, "Well, I don't think that's fair" but I don't do anything about it, because there's nothing I can do. Don't you think that sense of being unable to change things makes life so bittersweet. When I was looking at this statement I thought of all the people who never received justice for their bad actions or the people who aren't acknowledged for their talent or good deeds. Imagine being Claudette Colvin and having Rosa Parks do the exact same thing you did on purpose. Rosa Parks stole from Claudette Colvin. Why? Because she was a teen, so who would take her seriously. Does that seem fair? The person who deserves credit doesn't receive credit. That's not fair. Then look at the people who aren't arrested for committing a murder and the family who has to grieve over the death of their loved one without justice being served. Again, not fair. People who are born into past dysfunctional, but mentally traumatizing families and don't receive support. Not fair, at least perspective wise. I doubt this person would ever feel like their life is fair. It's a dirty feeling looking at people who have a great life, but are the worst people and seeing the most kind-hearted person have to live through some of the most horrible experiences. That will never be fair. It doesn't seem right. And that's why I say life isn't fair. Life is what it is and it'll always end in death for us all, but that doesn't mean it's fair.

Words Can Hurt

Disagree:

Do I look like an insensitive prick? Yeah, probably. At one point in my life, I thought words were the most horrible thing. That you should never tell anybody anything bad, because you don't know how that person will feel about it. I know that even now, words are pretty strong and the consequence of using the wrong words against someone can end in bad results. Yes, kids who are verbally abused by others at school can kill themselves or kill those in the school. So you can see that words do affect others, but I've basically made it to a point in my life where I see that if you let something like a word take control of your life that it's just going to hurt you more. You can't give so much power to something so little, especially if you are bullied, because you are just giving more power to the bully to hurt you more in such a subtle way. Sure, someone can physically hurt you, but verbally hurting you when you look at words from that perspective, it's insanity. Now, I see words as these beautiful things. If you take them as they are, mere words, you see how silly others are for trying to use them against you. It really depends on your mental state though. If anyone tries saying something mean to me, I usually laugh it up or make a joke of my own. I don't think anything of it. I think if more people looked at words from that perspective they wouldn't give them so much power, because that's all they are words. I do understand how bullied kids feel, I know people who have been bullied, but I tell them the same thing. After a while I started seeing that people trying to hurt you usually use bad words and little words, nothing with real power! When you look at it like that you think, "Wow, this person is pretty stupid and isn't even saying anything remotely true about me." In 7th grade, this teacher hated me and he called me a "slacker" and to this day that's the only time I ever let a word affect me. I hated the word "slacker." But then I look back at this teacher, he was a "wannabe musician who never fulfilled his dreams, so he became a teacher instead." That's what I always characterized him to be. How could him calling me a "slacker" hurt me so much, when he was probably living the life he never wanted. I use those words of hate to motivate me. They can't hurt me, they just make me stronger. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." That really should be installed in kids at a young age. If kids realize that words don't hurt, no one is really going to take anything seriously unless they have to and kids won't really use words as a form of humiliation, because they'll already know that words are just words. If you are going to let words have power though at least keep in mind that "haters are gonna hate." You have to use something positive to balance out the negative.

Police are your friends.

Agree:

Well, the teacher said we couldn't put sometimes agree/sometimes disagree. I've actually had to do something police related (and I really can't disclose why. Sorry. Maybe one day.), and I was really mad about it. I thought they were being so mean to me and that it was pointless for that to have ever happened. I thought it was a complete overreaction, but it wasn't. They were just doing what they had to do to protect more people. I'm just one person and they're trying to save many. You know sometimes they look pretty bad in the news for shooting someone unsuspectingly (of course, it always ends up being a race thing and I really do wish people would look past that). Someone I'm related to works for them (not as a cop though) and they've said that, "It's not a job everyone can really do. You have to be really grateful there are people who will risk their lives for you, because not everyone will. They have to think very rationally and have to think of all the possible scenarios." So it's tough for them. I'm sure they don't want to shoot anyone, but they may have to. Plus, there is a very fine line between someone having to make a serious decision and someone shooting just because they think they have the right to do so. In the end, the people who do the latter are just abusing their power, but that's not all of them so you can't say they aren't your friends based on what you think you know.

What goes around comes around.

Agree:

Karma basically. I mean if you're going to do something mean expect it to happen to you, too, eventually. You're probably thinking, "But what about people who get away with murder?" Well, from a religious view, in the end when you die, you'll be judged by god and going to hell will be your punishment for murder. Of course, looking at it from a non-religious view, wouldn't it be really ironic if a murderer was murdered? That kind of thing happens. I feel as if the guilt might eat you alive before that, though. This doesn't have to be all bad stuff, though. I think this is really just a universal message to be nicer to everyone around you. The world would be a better place if people realized that. Just a nice little thing to tell any of you who work in food, please don't ever do something to someone's food, that could be you. =) Just be nicer is all I'm saying.

How you act in a crisis shows who you really are.

Disagree:

"But Lovely, this is something you would totally agree with!" No, not really. I think during times of crisis everyone's just really scared and they panic in unknown ways. I have no idea how I would act in a crisis, but I feel as though I'd be sad and crying ALL the time. Is that the pent up tears I never cry, because I believe I'm inside of a fantasy happy world? Perhaps, that might be someone else's thoughts, but I feel as if I did act that way it's really just because I don't know what else to do. People get angry, people become needy, people become these heroic figures. They became total opposites. I think it must be an unbalance in chemicals. Something must go off in your brain like, "Hey, we're stuck in a bad situation that might not get resolved for a long time. What do we do?" I'm sure during WWII people got really greedy with their food rations. Do you think that's how they really are? I think it's just the psychological aspect of "Oh my gosh, what is going on? This is horrible! I can't do anything about this. I have to stay alive." How can you really decide how you act during a time like that? You can't. I mean can you ever really. You might be fake, but did you really decide, "Hey, I think I'm going to be fake!" No, you kind of just decide, "I should do what everyone else is doing." It has nothing to do with thinking about it, so you're just acting as the days go by. The same thing should apply in a time of crisis. It shouldn't change.

Love conquers all.

Disagree:

I feel like I'm so biased right here. I'm very romantic, but none of my romantic pursuits ever seem to work out. It kind of bums me out even though I'm just a teen. You're thinking, well you'll find someone. I really don't believe I will and I'm fine with that. All love ends in misery anyways. Even if you truly love someone and they love you back, if they die, don't you think that'd be miserable?! In any case, that's not the point right now. The point is love does not conquer all. Now if you're like me, totally done with love, then you'll see that you don't need it to be happy. My mom tells me right now that that will change, but I think real love comes from experience. I want to travel,try new things, learn, make new friends, do the things I like. I think that's real love. Things that have nothing to do with love can make you happy. You don't need love to make you happy. It's not the most important thing in the world. Happiness is. Of course, now I think I was totally taking that quote out of perspective and I think it has to do with love defeating everything (but still, I think my first point makes a lot of sense right!). Look, sure having love is great, but is love going to get rid of all your problems. Maybe for a brief moment you can remember the things you love, but I feel like it can't fully get rid of your problems. It'll always be lingering in your mind and just because you think you have love, doesn't mean the love can do anything. "My love has saved me from a bullet." No. Love did not conquer in that situation. Of course, now if the person you love saved me, perhaps, but wow, don't you think you'd be devastated, therefore, resulting in a broken heart.

An eye for an eye...

Disagree:

I'm sorry, but this will never be right. I get that someone may have done something wrong to you, but that doesn't mean that you get to do the same back to them. For example, if some girl steals your boyfriend, does that mean you have the right to steal her next boyfriend? NO! If you lend your friend a movie and they never give it back, does it mean you get to keep one of their movies, too? NO! If somebody texts and drives on the phone and kills your child, does that mean you get to kill their child? NO!!!!! Not everything requires you to do the same thing to someone. I don't know if it's just because I'm nice, but let's take a situation in my life. A friend of mine is sometimes really annoying and doesn't shut up about some things sometimes. Sure, a minimal situation. How bad could it be? It can be. I mean I'm used to it now, but you know it's not always the coolest thing to have to endure. Does that mean I'm going to purposely annoy her, because she does it? No. That's not right. You shouldn't do things with the purpose to do what someone else did just because it bothers you or was what you considered bad.

People learn from their mistakes

Disagree:

I actually wanted to put sometimes agree/sometimes disagree, because some people genuinely do learn from their mistakes and try to make themselves better because of it. When answering this question I thought of all the people who keep making the same mistake. If you can't learn from the first few times (because keep in mind, some people are forgetful), have you really learned anything? Are you even going to change your ways? If someone steals and goes to jail and after being in jail hates it, but decides to steal again, has that person learned? Not at all. It's stuff like that that makes you wonder, well, do you even consider what you did a mistake or was it just funny to you? That kind of thing annoys me. Now, if you stand behind doing something and know you aren't going to change your ways, that's different. Sure, stealing is bad, but if this person knows and is okay with suffering the consequences, then let them be I suppose. In fact, I have a very good anecdote that connects to this. At my school, we call home whenever we forget to do something the teacher asked us to do or if we are doing something the teacher has told us NOT to do. I remember I had to call home for the first time, because I didn't bring a binder for that specific class. Do you think I forgot to bring it to the next class? No. Of course I didn't. I learned. Then there were others who had forgotten materials as well, but did they bring their stuff the next class. No, they didn't. Even with the consequence of having to call home, they didn't bring their stuff and had to endure that horrible call. They obviously didn't learn. I'd say most people are like this, so yes, I definitely don't agree people learn from their mistakes or else they wouldn't continue to make them.

You can't depend on anyone else; you can only depend on yourself

Agree:

There are going to be times when you have NOBODY and I mean NOBODY at all. What are you going to do? Who can help you? Only yourself. Ultimately, you're the only person who can help yourself. You can't depend on others to help you out always. You can depend on others at times, but does that mean always? Definitely not. There are various decisions you and only you can make and there are situations no one is going to want to help you out of, so you really have to come to terms with yourself and try to understand who you really are inside to know what's best for you. No one else can do this for you.

If you smile long enough, you become happy

Disagree:

You know I wasn't really sure about this one. I don't smile a lot, well, I do, but when I'm alone, no not really. I feel like it connects to me and the fantasy world I live in. All I want is happiness and somehow everything seems right to me now. I've never felt more in touch with myself than ever before and for that I'm very happy. I don't try to be any other emotion. Things may make me sad or mad, but I don't let it take me to the point of extreme anger or depression. I just think about how I feel on the subject, again looking back to the statement above about depending on yourself. That's what I'm doing right now. I'm not looking for other people to guide me, I really just want to guide myself right now and get to know myself better. I'm sorry, this is very off topic, but that's why I feel like maybe I'm being hypocritical for saying smiling even when you don't feel like it, doesn't make you happier. I still stand behind it. No, smiling doesn't make you happy. Scientists did a study on it though, right? That if you do fake smile it can make you happier. It can't possibly have an affect on you forever though. It might last a little. I think maybe with the same, "I'm happy" mentality mixed with the fake smile it could possibly make you happier, but if your sad and pretending to smile so no one asks you why you're sad, then I don't think you become happier. It's still in your mind, you're just doing a good job of hiding it.

Miracles do happen

Agree:

Oh, of course I believe in miracles! =D I think they happen everyday and for everyone. I mean the fact that you might have such luck in something as little as forgetting to staple something at home and your friend, who never brings a stapler, somehow decided to bring a stapler today. THAT'S A MIRACLE. It doesn't matter how small and insignificant it can be, when something you didn't expect to happen happened and made you feel like the happiest person then you've enjoyed a nice little miracle. Isn't it a miracle, when people somehow live past the expected time they were supposed to die?! Of course it is! And that is why I believe in miracles.

There is one special person for everyone

Agree:

Haha, a bit cheesy, but yeah. I think that special person is out there for everyone. Everyone has a soul mate. Sure, you might think, "Wow people go through with the shittiest relationships," but doesn't that ever make you wonder that the person you're meant to be with is somewhere across the world and that you may never get the chance to meet them. It sucks, but I think that's the truth. There's someone out there who was made for you and I really don't care how unrealistically optimistic that is. I'm a romantic and that is why I put so much happiness into the thought of love...for others! Haha, I know I'm going off, but you know how I said that I'm done with love. Well, I am, but you know, if I ever did meet "the one" and I knew he was "the one" I would love them forever with all my heart and soul and make sure that we'd always be happy and have a great time. It's just what I'd love to do, but if you're wondering about those people who die alone, well you know what I think. I think the special person doesn't necessarily have to be a love interest at all. They can be your best friend or a family member you are close to or something like that. I think it's inevitable you'll meet someone who you make an instant and long-lasting connection with.

Money can't buy happiness.

Disagree:

I'm sorry, but it's true. Look, I mean just living is a cost. And if you're living, you'll want to do things that make you happy, so that's a cost. "But what about the things that don't cost money at all like going to the park?" Sure, you might not be paying money to go, but you are, I mean you aren't going to the park naked are you? You need clothes/shoes to go. That's a cost. You might have to drive to the park. Gas is a cost. Your car taking you to the park is a cost. So yes, you do have to pay to go to the park. But let's pretend that stuff didn't happen. For the city to make that park, they had to use money to give you that happiness. It may not have come from your pocket, but it still involved money. "Well, what about love!" I love the song "Can't Buy Me Love" by The Beatles, but sadly, I don't agree. No, dates cost money, presents cost money, I mean texting/calling your significant other costs money. So, yeah, love costs money, too. Anything that brings you happiness requires you to pay or someone else to pay. It doesn't matter. Money buys happiness. Sorry. =/

Killing is wrong.

Agree:

No, duh, it's wrong! OK, so another student in my group brought up the point that you could be killing in self-defense, but you know what, can you really consider that killing? I mean she said it herself, it's self-defense! I feel like that's just so different compared to just killing someone. I don't know. Even killing out of self-defense, I feel like I'd feel so bad about it afterwards. I'd feel so freaked out that I did that to someone else, so yeah, nothing will really change my mind about killing being wrong.

Doing what's right means obeying the law.

Disagree:

Not necessarily. Ratting someone out because they are doing something illegal is not always the right thing. What if they have good reason to do it? You just ruined someone's life. And then just because you break the law, doesn't mean you aren't doing the right thing. Bringing attention to something by infiltrating their headquarters or whatever you know like John Snowden did (omg, I feel like I'm not very educated about this. I remember when this happened, but lol, I feel like I'm saying something stupid) is not a bad thing. He may have done something illegal, but you know what it brought attention to what the NSA was doing and that's better than being unaware of it. So do you see my point? Sure, obeying the law is the right thing at times, but sometimes you can't because it can help out someone or bring awareness to something, therefore, that would be doing the right thing even if by law, it's considered the wrong thing.

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Thank you for reading. Leave comments below and tell me your thoughts. Thanks again and please come back!~ ^_^

Letter 7.23.15

So I Wrote This Letter the Other Day...

Because my mom had gotten mad at me (won't tell you what for), but whenever she does, I always write a letter to her, because it's much easier for me to put down my thoughts like that rather than speak them out loud.

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*disclaimer* Please note, this may confuse you, amuse you, or make you mad. Viewer discretion is advised.

Dear Mommy Stalin,

In today's edition of "Lovely Whines: Let's Criticize Her" we will reach topics that have been reached before. WAIT! And that's not all, you also get bonus content with Lovely's opinions that don't actually matter, but the editors thought we should add it anyway.

Stay tuned after the break!

*commercial break*

Commercial 1: You're probably wondering why you were called Mommy Stalin. Well, Stalin was a fascist dictator, which is basically what you were embodying in your family dinner movie "Anxiety is Fake" starring you as the autocratic matriarch in charge of Lovely starring as misunderstood/socially unacceptable loser. :D That was a great movie! I especially love the part where you take the loser's computer away.

Commercial 2: Are you still here??? Ok! Good! idk about you, but at the rate tuition at 4 year colleges is going, you'll be lucky if your daughter makes it in. Of course, in a fascist world, that stuff doesn't matter. What is the source of your daughter's education? Surely not a scroll she had to write on in calligraphy by getting information from the encyclo-what-ia? LOL, it's not that, it's the computer. Something so little, yet so powerful. Perhaps more powerful than fascism, but you'll have to get some other opinions from the Dictator Damsels Club (a club just for moms like you! Sign up free @ *insert fake website here*) Now, I, the narrator, not your daughter, believes computers are important for success. Use them correctly and they are your friend. I bet Stalin wouldn't use a computer lol. Got synergy?

Commercial 3: Well, do you? Do you have synergy? That's when you're so healthy, you feel great. Hwever, fascists everywhere do not get enough synergy due to lack of perspective and aesthetic. With your monthly donation you can help fascists everywhere gain synergy, so they can have open-minds and true aesthetic. If you aren't doing this for the aesthetic...then what ARE you doing it for? *suspicious stare*

AND WE'RE BACK WITH THIS EDITION OF "Lovely Whines: Let's Criticize Her" brought to you in part by social anxiety disorder, because hiding in the corner matters.

Today's first topic: FASCISM

Isn't this swell? :) We live in a country where we can have our own thoughts, opinions, and actions. Unfortunately, due to a recent outbreak of Stalinitis, parens everywhere are dictating their children. Even worse, NO VACCINE! That must suck for kids with opinions! Yeah, no kidding! This Stalinitis outbreak is so bad I forgot what an opinion was! Does that mean I like bananas...or not? Lol, as if that matters! This is Dictatorland now! Wow, swell! You know who else must suffer from this horrible disease? Kids with social anxiety. Now that Stalinitis has taken over, they MUST face their fears, even get made fun of for having this disorder. Lol, and that's NOT offensive *reference to last week's episode where Jaylen whines about what is and isn't offensive*. It's truly sad, but we'll reach that topic later. For now, sit on your couch like the potato you are and wait for the show to come back on.

Before we bring you these message we'd like to quote Mommy Stalin. It's not one of her best quotes, but it'll do: "You didn't even enjoy your meal, stop lying to yourself." Quite sad, but definitely what she said. Lovely would like to whine in a more melancholy way now. Here is her statement in response to the statement above: "Yes, I did enjoy my meal. You know why? Because God gave it to me and I am very privileged to have that meal. There are people who can't even get a meal and you're telling me I DIDN'T enjoy it? =/ That doesn't even make sense. Of course I enjoyed it!"

Now on to the next message!

Commercial 1: Do you have social anxiety disorder? If so, call 1-888-ANX-IETY to set an appointment. *girl in commercial calls hotline* Hello, anxiety hotline, I've been criticized and I can't get up! WELL, WE CAN HELP. See YOU understand how it is to feel like every move you make is heading towards a fatal mistake. Understandable. *girl in commercial* I've been made fun of for having a panic attack. WOW, ONLY PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE S.A.D. WOULD DO THAT. *girl in commercial* What can I do? NOTHING, BE YOURSELF *girl in commercial* But...Stalinitis??? *dial tone*

Commercial 2: Doesn't it suck when you're made fun of for something you can't help?! I'm surprised anyone with OCD would do such a thing to someone with SAD. Yes, what has the world come to! *sad sigh* Aesthetic Man to the rescue!

Hi kids! I'm Aesthetic Man and I say be yourself.

Remember aesthetic is everything!~ <3

Alright and we're back. These last two messages were brought to you by aesthetic, because if no one else can see it's ok to be yourself, then you're going to have to be the one to do that.

Today's second, but minimally explained topic: Social Anxiety Disorder.

Lovely whine's about her symptom's, let's criticize them

Lovely: I get really overwhelmed.

Criticism: Excuse to get out of something

Lovely: Sometimes my chest tightens.

Criticism: That's just nervousness, freak.

Lovely: I feel like crying when forced into social situations.

Criticism: LOL, stupid attention seeker, get a life!

Lovely: I'm very hesitant when talking/asking questions.

Criticism: No you want people to do things for you.

Lovely: No one understands me.

Criticism: Yeah, because you're weird

Lovely: Insecure when talking/out in public. It's as if everyone's watching.

Criticism: But no one likes/cares about you so it doesn't even matter.

Well, that was enjoyable. It's fun not to ask questions about how someone truly feels. Instead let's break people down until they can't take it anymore. In which case you can call 1-888-ANX-IETY or just be yourself and embrace it like no one else will.

And our last topic comes right after this brief message.

Commercial 1:

You can save big on aesthetic, when you realize fascism is not for you! Switch today and we'll give you a $100 bonus cash that you can't actually use, but we'll trick you into thinking you can...but you have aesthetic, so you'll find it wonderful!

And our last topic: Aesthetic

Lovely doesn't vocalize it, but she has become very aesthetic this past year. Basically, she sees the beauty in everything, so anything you tell her really can't hurt her. All she wants to be is a happy girl in an aesthetic world. it's great, because she's finally come to value and stand by her opinions and actions. That is truly great, because so many people can't do that.

She's very young, but

Has realized that

Life is too short

To live without happiness

So if you want to

Get mad/sad at her

Fine

But remember

There is aesthetic

Waiting for you

Lovely whined about aesthetic, let's criticize her for it. :D

Bonus Material:

I don't feel like I should state any more of my opinions in real life nor should I not do what you say (because fascism).

I guess it's bad to be myself (because social anxiety).

It's fine though (because aesthetic).

More on back: Enjoy!~

(and here was what was on the back, a picture)

The Moment I Realized I Was No Longer A Child

It Was A Hard Question To Answer...

In English Class, the question "When was the moment you realized you were no longer a child?" and I stared at that pretty startled. There was really no definitive moment, but I will explain that in the post. In this post I will talk about what happened to me and I will add on to what I said, because I did not have enough time in class to answer the question to it's entirety. 

Note: Some of my new thoughts will be intertwined with what I wrote for class.

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The moment I realized I was no longer a child was the day that I realized the world was not a good place. There was no time, place, or reason for it, I just remember one day that I sat in my room crying for hours at the thought of how horrible the world is and in a way, I still try to keep a sense of innocence and immaturity. It is a beautiful thing to be a child, there is no care and worry. You see the beauty in everything and then one day it just goes away. That is why it's very confusing, but I think I will always live in an imaginary world. There is no reality for me, the thought of death, growing up, drama, it just saddens me and I'd rather not deal with it. I feel like you lose your innocence bit by bit, too. As you keep progressing through life you learn about so many things and each one will make you think (or not) and then somehow that piece of innocence that you had is gone.

When I was three or four, my mother read me the Bible, and being me, I loved to ask questions. There was a part in the beginning (Genesis) where someone dies and I ask my mom "Why do people die?" and she explained that everyone does. I then proceeded by asking, "Not everyone dies though, right?" and she said, "Yes, everyone dies." I was shocked for a split second and I began to cry. I did not want to die, I still do not want to die. I NEVER want to die. It's just a sickening, saddening thought and I think that bit in my mind that I have not yet fully processed is what keeps me a kid at heart.

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Death: Learning about death and experiencing seeing people die is something I don't like to see. I don't like to think that every moment in the day could be a moment I die or someone else dies. I know we're supposed to die, but it's not something I'm particularly fond of thinking. I'm afraid of what's on the other side and when I was a kid and even now, just thinking of death made me worry so much that I had to cry. Why do we die? Why do we see others die? What does death feel like? It all runs through your head for a while.

Love: When you're a child, love is love from everyone. Your family, your friends, people you trust. They all love you. When you get older and you see so many painful things that go hand in hand with love, such as divorce and affairs, you acquire a different perspective on something that was so wonderful before. For me, learning that divorce occurs made me have a different perspective on love as a whole. Do people really love each other? Why do they separate? You can't love someone temporarily. At least that's what I thought. Knowing that love is not as simple as it should be is what scared me. It never really makes me cry though, it just makes me feel like no one will ever truly love me. I'd rather have the love of my family and friends, then the fake love of someone who does not love me for who I am.

Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy: You're probably thinking, well kids don't care about this. Yes, we do. Personally, I'm against telling kids these guys are real. When you tell them that they aren't real, they freak out and rightfully so. Imagine your whole life thinking something is real and it's not. It just freaks them out and makes everyone else look like a liar. Lying is a bad thing and when that part of us realizes it, we may not do anything about it at the moment, but after a while we begin lying ourselves.

Race: I hate the moment you realize there are other races. I liked it better when you were a kid and everyone was your friend regardless of how they looked. You didn't even know what Black, White, Asian, Hispanic was when you were a kid, because it wasn't something you had to worry about. I remember when I realized this, it didn't bother me, but a lot of other people became pretty racist. They made racist jokes and they meant them and they expected you to do something, because of what you are. Right now, I don't really care. I make jokes like that and I make fun of stereotypes, but I don't do it to be malicious. I do it, because everyone needs to realize that it's all in fun. The thing about kids is they realize that and every little moment they don't just breaks them apart and makes them less and less innocent.

Sex: I find this to be the thing that does not necessarily break a child's innocence, but it's something very scandalous when we do find out. For years we'll laugh at everything that has to do with sex, whether it be positions (which is more of a middle school thing) or private parts (which is definitely an elementary thing). We think it's something we shouldn't talk about at all and that the word itself is horrible and shouldn't be said. It makes us laugh, but why? Do we think that knowing this makes us any less of a child? I think so. The last piece of innocence that really does go away does have to be sex. The moment you lose your virginity is probably the last innocent moment of your life and then it's gone, but I don't think a lot of people realize that until after they regret it.

Bad Words: Bad words, like sex, they make children laugh. Children think that for some reason saying those words makes them so very grown-up, when they're really just giving away a piece of their child-hood. I don't think I said bad words until I was eleven and that was really hard for me. I thought it was really bad of me until it became normal and still today I don't try to say bad words, but it just becomes so a part of you, that you don't really stop.

My whole point is, once you lose your innocence, there's really no taking it back, so the least you can do is try to hold on to it for as long as you can, because things don't become the same again after it's gone.