Feelings 12.28.14

Ever Feel Like Family Has Got You Down...

I love my family very much, but the fact that we are so dysfunctional (thank goodness not in a horrible neglectful way, just in a argumentative way) always get's me thinking what it would be like to not have them. So I ask myself the question, "Why can we never make up? Forgive and forget? Make up and promise to come to a compromise? Why do we not do that?" Here's a little something I wrote down last night at midnight.

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I have always wondered how it feels to have no family at all. Not an orphan, not disowned, not divorced, not left behind, not anything at all where you once belonged with someone. No. How is it like to start off from scratch? Born by parents, but never growing up with anyone to take care of you. I honestly believe it would be hard, but so much more better! Worthwhile, even!

All the bad things that happen when you have a family can alter your well-being drastically. Imagine a world without having to worry about anyone, just yourself. No more wondering if your sister will tell your secrets to mom or dad--in fact, you'll have no secrets at all! It's only you, no one else! Will your brother ever give you back that action figure? Who knows? It could be lost by now, maybe broken, right? Without them you own everything. There's no sharing either and you never have to worry if mom and dad will stop fighting. You never have to worry if family members will continue fighting without making up. You'll never have to worry about being disowned or having to pretend.

There is so much pretending that I couldn't even start. You have to pretend to like people! You have to pretend to be someone else! You have to pretend like you care! Maybe if family accepted more easily it could work, but in this world every family is dysfunctional.

No one gets along, everyone talks behind each others backs, no one tried to understand, they make you feel horrible and expect you to take it as advice. Why? I don't get it!

Without a family, you'd only have to understand yourself, but unfortunately this is impossible and definitely not plausible! Everyone starts off as a baby who cannot care for themselves, so if left unattended they will die an that is why you can't not have a family.

In my own experience I would say, being told bad (at least to me and an example I will give you is that I am always being told that I make no sense, that I'm weird, that I'm too smart for my own good) things and no one caring, well it hurts because no one ever tries to hear you out. Having to deal with hearing all the problems going on in your family sucks, too. All I ever wanted was for us to get along.

When I turn 18, I'm going to make myself better than all of this. Overcome it! I will show them that even though we all struggled, we can try again. Believe me, it will be heard,  but I am willing to do it.

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It's true, I sometimes wonder if they ever realize this.

I wish my family could be like a perfect portrait. Every picture we were in smiling together having a good time, let's go back to those moments.

But I want them all to be there for me and the one's who are there for me never hear me out. They only hear me out when it's something they agree with, but when it isn't you're sure to hear them get mad at me.

Sometimes I love my friends more than my family, is that bad?

Yeah, I don't think our family will ever get back together and make up. Why would they do that? We used to be so happy, all of us together, but now it's like we don't even care anymore.

Why...can't we just...get along?